Can't figure out why your friend doesn't call or spend more time with you? Time to listen up and discover what your introverted friends are really thinking and how to win their affection.
We all need love, but how we express it or prefer to receive it, can be personal. (Take this test to discover your love language. It's worth it.) Introverts need love from their friends too, with some KEY differences from our extroverted friends.
I'd like to reveal what your introverted friends may be thinking but may never tell you. First, because what we have to say may sound mean and we may not be good at communicating our truest feelings. Second, when we try to explain our needs our extroverted friends say: "I totally understand, I'm like that too" when we know it isn't true. Extroverts usually break introvert's rules without even realizing it.
“Disclaimer: this post may contain harsh truths about what introverts may be thinking. Try not to take it personal. We do care, a lot. We want to be understood and respected like everyone else. Think Golden Rule.”
OK here we go...
Harsh Truth
# 1 Please don't show up at our house unannounced, call or better yet, text first! This is important because we don't do well with interruptions. We are often task oriented. Stopping by unannounced is seen as a demand on our time without our permission. No one likes to be bossed around. If we say we are not available, please accept that.
# 2 Our families count as people-time. So if on the weekends we want to relax and not hang out, don't take it personal.
# 3 This applies to our best friends too. Sorry!!! Besties don't have prime place in our lives. Our need for sanity and alone time was there first. If you think you are an exception, your definitely not!
# 4 Surface-level talk, aka small talk, such as the weather, your hair, makeup or clothes should constitute 1-2% of our conversation. It's mundane and it drains us.
# 5 Don't be needy. If you feel that what you need to tell us is an emergency, we prefer you call 911. If it isn't that urgent, there is no need to call us with urgency. If you are upset, take a deep breath. It will be OK. If it's not, please call 911.
# 6 If you call and don't leave a message, we assume you don't need a call back.
# 7 If you call and leave a message, do not text us to tell us you called or call multiple times. We know you called. We chose not to answer the phone for a reason. Just wait.
# 8 If we don't call you, it seems ever, there could be multiple reasons.
You call too often.
We saw you a month ago.
We are drained from our personal routine.
We have extroverted, very young or high energy children.
We thought about calling you many times but didn't, isn't it the thought that counts?
# 9 Most importantly, please don't take our need for alone time personal. It has nothing to do with you. If we don't get enough solitude, we become insane, mean and unfriendly little devils. If we treat you that way, we are sorry, but it means our time and space has been intruded on. It doesn't mean we dislike you. Anytime we are dangling on that fine line of insanity, anyone who crosses our path will experience the rage.
# 10 We really do care about people, especially our closest friends. We appreciate you! However we do not thrive on constant contact and communication. We thrive on being valued and respected for who we are. Give us our space and we will come to you eventually. (Remember we have other friends that need our attention as well.)
# 11 If you have introverted friends and feel neglected by them, do yourself a favor and find other extroverted friends who need and want the daily communication!!!
# 12 Don't talk too loud, too fast and without long pauses, it totally drains us mentally. We will not go on vacation or long car rides with you if you do!
# 13 Don't monopolize our time when in a group setting, this irks us. We have a genuine interest in listening to people and their stories.
# 14 Don't try to be our exclusive best friend. We are capable of cultivating intimate relationships with a variety of people.
# 15 Our idea of fun is usually being with ourselves (it may include a book and tea or coffee.)
# 16 Introverts need time to withdraw from social interactions for many reasons. We process everything in our heads before we talk about it otherwise we get worn out and confused.
What do you think?
If you're saying YES!!! That's exactly how I feel! Then most likely you are an introvert.
If you were thinking of mean things to say back and are right now creating your own blog about it or calling a friend to complain...you are extroverted!
So what's the point?
As you can tell, I am an introvert. I've noticed most, if not all, of my introvert friends naturally follow these guidelines because that is how they would like to be treated.
If you want to have a happy relationship with your introverted friends and win their affection, by all means, follow the above rules.
In turn...we just might go out for that drink after dinner with you or have a fun girl day at the spa (if you don't stick to us like glue).
Action items...
Check out my article An Introverts Guide to Becoming Extroverted and send it to your introverted friends to help round them out too!
Read the article on Tiny Buddha that inspired me to write this post to learn more about what your introverted friends are thinking and not saying.
Give yourself a pat on the back for being able to take such harsh criticism!